questions and answers
by mistopher
Summary: Spoilers for the advocate- Abby is reflecting on the things Carter said to her


"What do I have to say?"  
  
Those words keep echoing in my mind. He said them to me just a few hours ago. Actually, it felt more like a forceful shout than a simple statment, but...still  
  
"What do I have to do to get through to you?"  
  
The truth is, I don't know. I don't know what he has to say. I've never felt this way before. I love him so much it scares me. No, that's not true. It terrifies me. He means everything to me, but I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid to let him know that. I don't want to open up that side of me in case he leaves, in case it doesn't work. I want it to work...but what if he decides he doesn't? How am I supposed to answer him? How can I? I'm not sure I have an answer.  
  
"What do I have to do...?"  
  
I can't believe he asked me that. Well, actually I can. What I can't believe is how he said it. The look in his eyes - how frustrated he was. It shocked me. I guess I never let myself see it before. I spent so much time trying to convince myself that keeping him out of my life was better for him. All I wanted to do was protect him from all the chaos that surrounds me. I never realized that I was only hurting him more by keeping him out. Truth be told, I thought he would have left by now. That's not to say I thought he wouldn't be a friend, but I didn't think we could keep the relationship - the 'us'. I figured it was too good to be true. I convinced myself that once he saw how crazy my life really is, he'd say it was too much for him. I know he'd never hurt me. Not on purpose anyway. That's why I wanted to make it easier on him.  
  
I gave him the chance to leave tonight. I guess part of me thought that's what he was looking for - an easy way out. I was sure that's what he wanted. Positive that he was trying to end it, but didn't have the heart to tell me. So I told him I got it, that I understood and it was okay. But I didn't get it. I still don't. But I said it anyway, so that he could leave me without worrying that he was hurting me. He didn't leave, though. Honestly, I didn't think he would - there was a part of me that knew he wouldn't. But I couldn't help but think it. That's just the way I am. I feel like I don't deserve him, and one day he's gonna wake up and realize it...and I don't want to get hurt when that happens. So I told myself I didn't need him, that I didn't love him. But I was wrong.  
  
I'm not sure when I realized that, but I think it was when he walked away from me. I've never felt the way I did in that moment. Everything I felt for him raced through my mind, and I realized that I already love him...I just didn't want to believe it. I was afraid of it, because admitting it would make me vulnerable. But none of that was as scary as the thought of losing him. I don't know when I started to love him, but I know that I do. I have never been as afraid as I was then, sensing him walk farther and farther away from me. I was sure I had ruined the best thing in my life just because I was stubborn. Just because I was scared.  
  
I never want to feel that way again.  
  
I knew as soon as I heard the Jeep behind me that it was going to be okay. I didn't even have to turn around to know it was him. I think I would have known he was standing there even if he didn't have the Jeep to tip me off. That's just how connected we are. Sometimes it's hard to tell where he ends and I begin. I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't have any answer to offer and I couldn't tell him what he wanted to hear. Not tonight, at least. It wouldn't have been right. It wasn't the right time. But I love him. I don't know why I fought it for as long as I did. And he loves me. He actually does, and I believe it now. He isn't afraid and he isn't running. He didn't even run when I told him to. He loves me.  
  
I guess there is no answer to his questions. There is nothing he can say because it goes without saying. It just took me until now to see it.  
  
As far as what he has to do? He's already done it. He wrapped me in his arms when I was sure he never would again. He's obviously not leaving, no matter what I think. That's all he has to do. It's all I need.  
  
I can hear his key in the door now. He's here. And for the first time I'm going to let myself believe that he's staying. 


End file.
